The Funniest Video/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: A poet once wrote, "a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?" well, here's a man from the farthest reaches of the north on his last grasp, my uncle, your host, red green. Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Yes! Thank you very much, and thank you, harold, for that little bit of literature. Reminded me of why I hated school. No problemo. Here's a little poetry in motion for you. [ keyboard clacking ] [ laughing ] been kind of a good-news, bad-news week up here at possum lodge. Now, for me, it's been good news, not bad news, but for some of the others, it's been bad news, not good news. Excuse me, uncle red. You want to get on with it before it's old news? [ laughs ] all right. Uh, first the good news. Harold, you're laid off. What? Why? Well, that's not fair. And now the bad news -- he's not gonna go quietly. Okay, okay, I'm sorry about breaking your radio. What? What's wrong with my radio? Nothing. Why? Who said anything about your rad-- what? What? Well, actually, uh, I'm not laying harold off for any of his incompetence here. It has to do with finances, that's all. We're a little short on money, and we're just gonna make some cutbacks. That's all there is to it. Oh, okay, well, you know, if that's what it is, you know, there's a local tv show, you know, uncle red? And it's like a "funniest home videos," right? And what they do is they show, you know, funny home videos, right? So -- and if you win, first prize is $1,000. Wa-a-a! Right? Just think of all the funny things that happen right here in the lodge day in, day out. We could, you know... Like what things? Like what? Okay, okay. All right. How about -- how about the time that you parked the van too close to the septic tank, and then you stepped out, and... Or, you know, there was the time -- wa-a-a! Junior singleton, right? He borrowed uncle red's brand-new radial arm band saw, and he gets it, right, but his suspender gets caught in there, and he just blew out the motor, and it was -- but that's not funny. That's the thing. You know. There's so many others to choose from, like -- oh, okay, you want it? This is the one. Wa-a-a! Okay. Uncle red fell on the roof. They're fixing the antenna. A storm comes. [ laughs ] probably a bad example, actually. How about something where someone else gets hurt, you know, like me? Oh, yeah. Yeah. [ laughs ] oh, that was a good one. You like that? [ laughing ] okay, all right, well, we can make money on that. Yes, we can make money on that, uncle red. 'cause I could get the lodge video camera, you know, and I could just shoot all the funny, humorous things that happen around here. We'll win first prize -- $1,000. We'll be solvent again chuckles and I can keep my job, you know. Well, you know, other than you keeping your job, I really like the sound of it, you know? Mind you, at some point, probably the whole thing's gonna blow up in my face. Well, that's excellent. I could film that, too. [ keyboard clacking ] [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ I spied a young lady walking down the street ♪ ♪ a pretty, young thing that I chanced to meet ♪ ♪ she wiggled her hips and batted her eyes ♪ ♪ can you begin to imagine my surprise ♪ ♪ when it turned out, it came to my attention ♪ ♪ it occurred to me she wasn't young or pretty ♪ ♪ she was a middle-aged guy in show business ♪ this week on "handyman corner," we're gonna show you how to build a framing wall, which is the first step in, uh, turning that dark, danky, stinky, musty swamp of a cellar of yours into a bright, uh, warm, modern, uh, friendly, spacious family room where the kids can go and do stuff they don't want you to know about. Or you could put, say, a decorator wall in upstairs or perhaps you and your spouse are going through one of those low points in a marriage where just a partition in the bedroom would keep you legally living together without creating out-and-out warfare. So, uh, the first thing you're gonna need to do is, uh, a few of the 2x4s and some of the -- some of the 3½-inch nails. Get the sharp ones. And one of these babies right here -- a power hammer. What's a power hammer, you're asking? Well, a power hammer's basically a gun that fires nails. [ clicks ] you got to love a tool that uses gunpowder, don't you? All right, let's start by, uh, cutting up the 2x4s. I love the smell of fresh pine. You want to make sure you get them all to the same length. And here we go. Oh, for crying out loud. [ electricity crackles, motor whirs ] there we go. And cut. And there we go. Boy, that smells good, doesn't it? Huh? Now, uh... Golly, maybe I should have measured those first, you know? Why did I -- why did I cut those again at a -- all right. All right, let's start again. Let's start again. Okay, this time, even up the ends 'cause you want them all to be exactly the same length. That's the whole point of the... I, uh -- I guess they were the same length. Oh, well. Uh, we'll just build a shorter wall now. That's okay because the walls in the basement are real short anyway. Oh. [ motor whirs ] okay, now, these are your uprights, or, at least, they will be when they're upright. And you cut these so that they're exactly the same height as your ceiling, minus 3 inches. Okay, uh, just like harold's career, we're gonna start at the bottom -- the only difference being we're going somewhere. Okay, this here is what I call the footer. Actually, it's a 3-footer. Uh, and we're gonna anchor this to the floor using, uh, the power hammer. You know, actually, uh, these units use the same cartridge as a .22-caliber rifle. You could go hunting with one of these power hammers, you know? You could get yourself a deer and tack his hide to the tree all in the one go. All right, that'll be enough. And you pop these in the back here... And then you just, uh, put her in place, push her down, and let her go. [ gunshot echoes ] did I mention ear protection at all? You really want to use ear protection with this. Ear protection's pretty well a must. So, uh, this is gonna take a while, so why don't you go back to the show? I'll keep building, and we'll come back when I'm all done. Somebody want to get that phone? It's that time once again where we expose those three little words that men have such difficulty saying -- "I don't know." and here to prove that point is my uncle red and his best friend in the whole wide world. Okay. Mr. Dougie franklin. "dear experts, I consider myself to be an above-average driver. "however, the judge who took my license away "suggests that I may not be as good as I think I am. Exactly how do you tell if you're a bad driver or not?" well, dougie, this sounds like it'd be right dead center in your area of expertise. No kidding, red. I mean, you want to know something about bad drivers, I am your man. I must run into one or two of those suckers head on once a month. But listen, let's start at the very, very beginning where the problem lies. I blame it on your driver-education system. I'm with you there, doug. I agree 100%. Absolutely. I mean, you know, a kid spends four years in school learning how to control a pencil, which has no moving parts, goes about one mile an hour and is not known to burst into flames when she rolls. What I'm saying here is we're not teaching our kids right. And how can we, you know? I mean, these teachers are talking theory. You want to know how to do something, go to somebody who's been there. Go to hell and back and tell the story. Like my family. We have had every type of accident imaginable. We have had your head-on, your rear-ender, your side swipe, your rollover, your rollover with a convertible. You name it. We have done them all. We should be teaching the kids. You put me, my brother, and my daddy in front of a classroom, and I guarantee you you will bring down the number of bad drivers on the road. Yep, by three. What you got to do is, uh, attach this part of the wall, uh, to the footer by nailing nails up -- up through from underneath. All right, if you're doing this, I would suggest that you nail this part onto the footer before you attach it to the floor. That's an excellent tip. Anyway, you get the idea. So, until next time, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. You know, what I could do with this is just go down in the basement and just keep firing nails till I hit the wall. [ gunshot ] sorry, harold. We're still working on these funniest home videos, so I thought I'd go see ranger gord. You know, gord, I was thinking. You're up here, and you've been able to see, you know, 40 miles in every direction. Uh, I guess you must see a lot of funny things happen, do you? Oh, yeah, yeah. My life is nonstop comedy and fun. Oh. You see a lot of funny things over the course of 6,000 days. Yeah, well, you know, if we can get some of those funny things on tape, we can win a prize on a television show. Really? What show, "real people"? I don't believe that one's on anymore. This is, uh -- I believe it's called "a funny home video" or something like that. You know what a great show is? "vega$." don't remember that one. Oh, yeah, I'm sure it's still on. Dan tanna and his sexy, old, vintage t-bird, and his real sexy assistant, beatrice. [ laughs ] oh, yeah, yeah. They -- well, anyway, uh, gord, what kind of funny things do you see, you know, the tourists doing up here? Tourists? Yeah. Tourists. No, tourists, uh, don't come this far north. Oh. But once -- once there were these two pine trees growing right out there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the two trees are growing, and one tree starts to grow a little faster than the other one. Oh, for gosh sake. And, uh, so it's taller. But one night, there's a windstorm, and it blows the top branches off the tall tree. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So all of a sudden, the tall tree is actually shorter. [ laughs ] can you imagine how the tall tree felt being shorter? You know, gord, that may not play all that well on television. Well, uh, this idea of raising money with a funny home video was turning into kind of a good-news, bad-news thing. The good news is we're getting lots of suggestions from the guys. The bad news is none of them are any good. Like buster hadfield claims he gets big laughs at his family functions by putting underwear on his head. Should give you an idea of how his family functions. How we doing on the technical end there, harold? [ chuckles ] oh, well, just let me start by saying it's totally my fault. Well, that'll save a little time. Well, this is one of these situations where you wish you had a video camera with you, because laughs it's really quite funny. You know -- you know how you need a battery to make the camera actually functionable? You know the battery thing -- the battery? You know that -- the battery? The battery. That's the one -- the battery, yeah. So, it's cute, actually, 'cause in the biz -- you know, the technical "showbiz," you know, the parlance for such a term as a battery is a chocolate bar, right? You know that. It's a chocolate bar, 'cause it looks like a chocolate bar, you know. But actually, it tastes more like nickel and cadmium, you know? But anyway, anyway, you know, it's funny, because, you know, being the cameraman, when the battery dies, you would turn to your assistant, in this case, bill, and I would say, you know, "assistant, put in another chocolate bar," you know? [ laughs ] and it's so funny, because I thought he was gonna put in another battery, you know? There's chocolate in the camera? Exactly! [ laughs ] everywhere, you know. But -- but the funny part is -- funny part is you can't get the nuts or the raisins out. Oh. So we have no camera. At this time, no. On today's "adventures with bill," bill is gonna teach me how to do a little downhill skiing, something I've never done. And, uh, I think bill is primarily a teacher. Now, this was interesting. In order to save time, he had actually put his skis on before he come out in my van to do the skiing. I thought it was interesting. I guess it does take quite a while to get the skis on and what have you, but, you know, I'm not really sure exactly how much time this saved in this particular case. Anyways -- there he goes. All right, all right. But, you know -- I mean, with a teacher, you teach your students, and then they have -- I guess they have the choice of either doing what you say or picking a better way. I might -- I might go with a different way on this, but -- but, again, I'm receptive. Bill knows what he's doing here. And down we go, and then -- no, just caught -- now, there's another thing, you see? You show the example of what could go wrong. I think that's valuable. Oh! Yeah, that, for example, there. Taking the end off the ski is probably not something you'd choose to do, but if he shows it to the students, that's the mark of an excellent teacher. Anyways, we got lots more skis out in the van. A lot of poles. Oh! Oh! Now, this is -- that was a safety lesson, you know, and it's one that I'll remember for quite -- quite a while. Bill really is good that way. And now, you got an awful lot of poles there, bill. Uh, yeah, I'll take that, and then just -- and when -- oh. Well, I guess he knows what he's doing. Now he puts them down like jean-claude killy, you know. Yeah, yeah, all right. All right. No tipping. [ chuckles ] anyway, he's obviously showing me how to get the -- the shoes have the holes in them. The pins line up with the holes and the special cross-country ski things, and then he clips that -- now, there again, he's showing us what can go wrong. Actually, I wasn't paying that much attention at this point. I was just kind of using logic and common sense. Oh. Oh. Ohh. I was getting mine on all right. I guess maybe the -- you know, that is an effective way to teach you. He shows you the wrong way, and then you kind of -- you know, you feel good about it. And I was -- yeah, you're doing fine. And I was feeling real -- real good, and I thought, "this might be an interesting way to meet swedish women, too, you know?" and he's moving along there. I'm not quite sure what this was about. I guess he was just kind of marking his path or what have you. But this -- I guess this would explain why all the poles were there. As I said, I was looking more for the swedes. [ chuckles ] anyway, these steep hills -- boy, there's a challenge. That's a tough one. He was using the poles to -- now, again, I think as a teacher, he was showing us all that things can go wrong. I thought he was gonna slide all the way back to the beginning of the course, but, no, he got lucky there. He's so smart. And then I'm going, and, all of a sudden, I hear a noise. I'm thinking, "what's the teacher showing us?" well, for gosh sakes, huh? Huh? The teacher's got a sense of humor. But, bill, the van. The van. Bill, the van! Oh! Oh. Well, I -- I learned a great deal there, and thank you, bill. Actually, it's a great sport. I'm having a good time, and I actually missed him there, so I'm getting better than I used to be. As far as the teacher's concerned, uh, well... Looks to me like it's, uh, class dismissed, right, bill? Ha ha! Here's a part of the show that's dedicated and produced by teenagers. Wa-a-a. [ keyboard clacking ] dork! Doofus! Geek! Wa-a-a! These names hurt. Tell me about it. Well, how do you stop people from verbally belittling you? Well, if it's your parents, you got to be tactful. If it's bullies, don't say things like, "sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me." wa-a-a! Because they'll go right to the sticks and stones part, you know? But cool people -- they're the toughest, because what do you say to them? I mean, they'll call you, like, "hey, toolhead!" and then you say to them... There's nothing to say to them. There's no -- nothing, right? So what I've done is I developed a list of nasty names to get true revenge of the nerds. Wa-a-a! Okay, get ready. Try some of these on for size next time you're getting belittled. How about "dreb"? Wa-a-a! Or for the guy who's really into clothes, "hey, fashionoid!" [ chuckles ] for the handsome man -- "clefto." for the pretty girl -- "plasty." and here's just a group of random ones. These are just for fun. Niner, spoon mouth, goofball, whizbang! [ laughs ] "hey, lunkhead!" what you got there, harold, your family tree? [ laughing ] cool. In there, harold? All right, uh, getting ready to do our funny home-video stuff, so we thought I'd visit our pal here, buzz sherwood, 'cause he's always laughing. [ laughs ] how you doing, buzz? Pretty good, red! Ow! [ laughs ] that's not funny. Hey, harold, how are you? Oh, no, no, no, no. Hey, is that thing on? Really? Yeah. Hey, look at this. Look at this. I've been working on stuff. Watch this. Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy. My grandmother did that in vaudeville! [ laughs ] no, that's not -- no, no, no, no. I got an idea. Here, here. You take this. Yeah. Smash it over my head really hard. Go ahead. Go ahead. Oh, no. No, I -- no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll get a chair, and I'll fall out of the chair. That'll be funny. [ laughs ] no, that's not funny. That's not funny. What else you got? Tools! Tools! I can juggle tools. Watch this. Ready? You got this on there? Ready to catch it, harold? Whoa! Whoa! Did you get that, harold? [ laughs ] buzz. Buzz. What? Is there maybe some kind of a cute, little stunt or a trick or something you can do? A cute stunt? Yeah, something cute. You mean like a loop-de-loop into a hammerhead stall into an uncontrolled dive? Yeah, yeah. Can you do that? Well, sure. That's what happened to my last plane, remember? Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I was gonna take this up in the plane and drop it on old man sedgwick, but I got a better idea. Hold that. Yeah? Yeah. Throw it in the propeller! Oh, no, I don't think I want to do that, buzz. Man, you're such a wussy. Give it to me. Give it to me. Give me the water-- give it to me. Give me this. My plane! My plane, red! My plane! I got to -- [ boom ] hey! Hey, come back! Come back! You getting this, harold? This is great stuff. Well, there's even more good news and bad news about the funniest home video contest. We won, didn't we? Yes! We won! I knew we'd win! I knew, I knew, I knew! I said we'd win, and we won! I get to keep my job. [ laughs ] wa-a-a-a! So, you can tell me the good news. Tell me. [ chuckles ] the good news is that the, uh, television people down there took a look at our tape and have decided not to press charges. Plus, they have promised not to say anything to the authorities or the humane society. We didn't win, did we? We didn't win. The bad news is that when the tape came back, old man sedgwick took it out for processing. So now we got no tape, we got nothing to sell, no way to raise money, and I guess we're not gonna have a show next week. Processing? He took it in for processing? What? You process film. You don't process videotape. I mean, any idiot knows that. Well, I know you do, harold. Old man sedgwick is not up to speed on these newfangled gizmos. You know, like the vcr or the wheel. So now all we got is this old tape here with just all the mistakes and outtakes and screw-ups we did. Oh, idea -- maybe we just put, like, credits on the front of it and on the back, and it could be next week's episode. Well, harold, maybe there is room for you around here, huh? [ laughs ] anything to keep my job. [ screeching ] oh, meeting time. Yeah. Uh, harold, you take this and set up the vcr. Oh, okay. Okay, great. Boy, next week's show is gonna be a real hummer, isn't it? [ crash ] harold: Oh ho ho ho ho! Well, that's just my luck. He hurts himself, I don't have a camera. Anyway, uh, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and maybe we can dig up that old, uh, film we've got of your dad. Remember when he went parasailing in that electrical storm, you know? And if we can't find it, maybe we can just shoot a new one. I mean, he's back in the pink since the open-heart surgery. Tell him there'll be 500 bucks in it for him. And to the rest of you, on behalf of myself and what's left of harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, thanks for watching, and keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching ] man: All rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. All right, uh, before we start the meeting tonight, uh, harold, pop that tape in the vcr. We're gonna take a look at what will become next week's show. If I can just direct your attention over to the...